He's using the kids to keep control

The kids are more resilient than the fear tells you. Steady and honest is enough. Please be gentle with yourself. You are doing something incredibly hard.

What you're describing has a name in BC family law, and courts do recognize when one parent undermines the other's parenting time. Document specifics and raise it with counsel early — patterns matter more than single incidents. This is general information rather than advice on your file.

The push-pull through the children is exhausting in a very particular way, and I want to acknowledge that first. Try to keep your responses to him short and boring — kids feel the temperature drop when one household stops playing.

Reading this, I want you to hear that none of it is a reflection of your parenting. Control through children is a recognized tactic, not a verdict on you. If you ever want support around it, many of us here offer sliding-scale sessions.

keep a log of every switched pickup and cancelled call. i wrote mine in a notes app synced to an account he didn't know about. boring, but it mattered later.

A counsellor on here offered a free first session and it genuinely changed the trajectory of my year.

mine did this too. it took time but the pattern became visible to everyone — the school, my lawyer, eventually the kids themselves. hang on, you won't be in this exact spot forever.